All These Things # 1

How is it the last week of October already?

I used to do this random series in another blog called All These Things, taken from a Stephen Speaks (the 2002-2003 version of the group) song that I liked. The series usually covered random updates like how I did it in this post, and since I’m no longer updating my old blog, I’m bringing it over here.

So again, hello, how has October been? I feel like I’m living in a very strange time because my senior shih tzu crossed the rainbow bridge exactly 47 days ago, so things still feel a bit…well, weird. I’ve stopped feeling like crying all day, but sometimes the tears would start because I’d remember something — like last week was his 40th day, because I put it on my calendar — and I spent the morning crying and trying not to cry because I had six meetings for the day. Grief is strange; pet loss grief is even stranger at times.

Thinking back, I am grateful that I got to be there right at his very last moment, which was what I had been praying for. I’m always scared that he’d go while I was away, that’s why I could never really relax when I’m on trips because I’m always wondering if he’s eating, if he’s well, and all that. But getting what I prayed for still means that he’s gone and that I will never get to hug him or give him his meds again, and… 🙁

I’m trying to be gentle with myself as I navigate this time, knowing it will take time to heal, but also knowing I will probably always have a hole in my heart for our grumpy old boy. I try to spend time with our other dog, who didn’t get to say goodbye to her companion, while also considering how I can help other dogs and eventually adopt a new one.

Speaking of help, if you have some capacity, I have been following the rescue of a senior shih tzu on Instagram, Gracie. She up for surgery next week and the good humans who rescued her have been raising funds to pay for it. If you have some to share, even a small amount will go a long way. Learn more about Gracie and how to help here. 🙂

Reading

I am reading Heart and Hero (New Heroes #1), a YA superhero novel by Gianne Rabena, a Filipino author (Follow her here). It’s interesting so far, and it reminds me of The Filipino Heroes League and X-Men, with a dash of Animorphs, thanks to the thought speak. Immersing in a new world is so fun.

Speaking of Animorphs, I have been rereading the series since last year, first on ebooks and now on audio. I didn’t pick up the last ten books in the series and went straight to the last one, which left me confused (and sad), so I thought of rereading it — and… wow, this series is dark. I mean, I know it’s always been that way, but I guess I didn’t really think about it when I was reading this as a kid/teen. Still a great series, though, and it asks a lot of good questions about war, justice, morality…and isn’t that something we all need to wrestle with right now? Oh, and did you know they’re releasing new covers for the first three books? I love how they did The Invasion!

Other books I’ve read recently that I liked a lot:

• Songs to Your Beat (Playlist Book 5) by Jay E. Tria – I missed Trainman! And Jay’s writing!
• Sagala by Tori Tadiar – I realized that I never read the end of the series, so I finally did! I’m so happy Kuya Constantino made good choices! 😀
• ASAP by Axie Oh – tall, dimpled K-pop star, hihi.
• The Inheritance (Breach Wars #1) by Ilona Andrews – always love a new Ilona Andrews! Speaking of which, I have also started rereading the Kate Daniels series because I stopped at book 6, I think? I forgot how…detailed it was? Anyway, don’t read it while eating unless you have a strong stomach! ^^;

Writing

Nothing. Gasp. Ever since I finished Meah’s book, I haven’t been writing as much except for self-edits and work things. Oh, I did get to a back cover blurb that I finally like (maybe my least favorite part of the whole let’s publish a book thing T_T), but right now the manuscript is out of my hands. If you want to get updates about this book, make sure you’re subscribed to my newsletter.

I do need to start outlining my next thing. It’s just a short story that will be part of an anthology that we’ve been working on that’s set in a parish, but I have a lot of feelings for this story so who knows how long it’ll take for me to write it! Then I can start working on the next book (gasp). What a joy it is to finally have energy to write!

Listening

BTS, as always. When am I not listening to them? They’re currently in the thick of making their next album, and I’m so, so excited, but also so nervous about ticketing for concerts next year. But oh my gosh, it’s so lovely to have them back home.

I’ve been listening to 극야 / Polar Night by Agust D from the album D-Day, partly because I miss Yoongi, and partly because it’s just so fitting for so many things. *waves wildly at what’s happening* Give it a listen, and also make sure to read the lyric translation.

시커먼 질문들과 무차별 비난들 사이
Between malicious questions and indiscriminate criticisms,

우리는 무엇을 위해서 싸우는가
what is it that we’re fighting for

It is all dirty

(나 또한 깨끗한가)
(Can I too say I am clean)

It is all dirty

(당신은 깨끗한가)
(Can you say you are clean)

[cr doolsetbangtan]

I’ve also finally gotten into Hayley Williams’ new album, Ego Death at a Bachelorette Party, and my goodness, I remember why I loved her (and Paramore) so much. Current favorites are True Believer and Kill Me. Her performance of True Believe on the Jimmy Fallon show is *chef’s kiss*.

Watching

I recently finished Bon Appétit, Your Majesty because KB told me it was good, and oh my gosh, give me more!

If you haven’t watched it yet, it’s a time-travel period drama where the female lead, a chef in the present, somehow ends up in the Joseon era, where she meets the King, known to be a tyrant. She ends up being his royal cook, and she must serve him different meals or risk punishment. There’s lots of food, a fun cast, and the romance burns slowly, but it is the cutest. It’s only 12 episodes, too, so it’s not a long watch — but when I got to the end, I wished there was more.

Loving

My beta reader comments. One of them sent me an enthusiastic message thanking me for writing a part…and I spent a few seconds stupefied, wondering if it was actually something I wrote. And yes, it was, but I haven’t looked at it for a while, so maybe my brain buried it. But it’s nice to get these, and nice to know that those times spent despairing if specific parts will land actually landed with this particular reader.

Meanwhile, another beta reader is live-reacting to the document I sent her, so I can see her comments, and it’s so funny. Also, it made me realize that my love interest for this book really has to work on…well, winning the readers over, because I heard multiple times how easy it was to love Nico from Keep the Faith so their loyalties lie with him. I mean, yes, I get it, because Nico is that guy, haha, but it’s so interesting to see these reactions! I do like Meah’s love interest a lot, but I get that it would take a while to love him. Because he has to work for it, and all that.

I know, I know. I really want you all to meet him, too, but let’s be patient! He’ll be ready soon. 🙂

Thinking

About impostor syndrome and how sometimes simple questions about the work I do send me into panic, as if the very act of questioning is a threat to my safety. Our brains are fascinating things, with how it does its best to protect us, even with just a perceived threat.

Anyway, I’m thinking about this because yesterday, someone at work sent me some questions about the project I asked them to review, and I spent the whole day thinking of my response, doubting myself, and all the decisions I made in the past months, even if they were good and sound decisions. I had to repeatedly tell myself that the questions aren’t about my competence but about the project, and they’re probably working with limited information and wanted clarity. But of course, as someone who often looks for solutions rather than asking questions, it feels like I did something wrong for not anticipating that they would ask these questions.

It’s all good now, and I had to remind myself to trust my gut and my decisions because I do know what I am doing, and my manager has my back. But it also made me think of how impostor syndrome attacks when I’m writing, and while it hasn’t made me feel like it’s an attack on my safety, loud bouts of it made me question if I was even supposed to be here. Maybe there’s a reason why it’s taking me so long, as in maybe it’s not supposed to see the light of day and all that. Why would people care about what I write?

But then I’ll hear from people like my beta readers, and it makes me think of how hard I am on myself sometimes. Okay, a lot of times, but I guess that’s what happens when you grow up as an overachiever, haha. Bottom line is, it’s never really that bad, and we’re actually doing way better than we think we are. There’s this post on Threads that I liked recently and it talked about how mediocre writers rarely doubt themselves because they don’t see the gap between good and great writing, while good writers always see that and that’s why they get disappointed, but it also gives them a drive to improve. That’s good to know. 🙂

This is a long blog entry! Hopefully, the next time I’m here, there’s new book news — let’s all cross our fingers! And again, if you want to get first dibs on the news, you can subscribe to my newsletter. ❤